My Future's So Bright....
Waking, for me, is a daily challenge; not for want of sleep, or for the warmth of the bed, but for love of darkness.
It saddens me to know that my mind, the powerful organ that it is, is still incapable of thinking nothing. When I close my eyes, I wish that I could see true darkness, as though I were blind. When I lay in bed at night, trying to clear my head of the thoughts that keep me awake, I try my hardest to have absolutely no sound in my mental ear; the best I can manage is a low buzz, but a sound is a sound.
But, oh, the bliss of unconsciousness. You don't see, you don't hear; you become completely unaware and completely self-contained for the duration of your slumber. I wake, each morning, into a reasonably (but not completely) darkened room, and I am surrounded by clicks and hums and car horns and ventilation systems. I return to the world of stimulus, and it offends me.
This morning, I walked into the bathroom, turned on the harsh vanity lights, and held my arm up to block out the light. This is nothing unusual. I do this every day; sometimes I hiss as I do it.
The strange thing is that the pain of visual stimulus did not fade with time. I brushed my teeth through a wince, until I noticed my pupils. They were not quite as dialated as they are after seeing the optometrist, but they were certainly larger than they should be; what's more, they refused to change size.
I showered with my eyes closed, drank a few glasses of water, and they were responding by the time I left for class. I have observed them throughout the day, and they seem to fluctuate from being too big, normal, and too small.
My negative social disposition has led me, over the last decade, to take a not-insignificant number of anti-depressants; most recent on that list is Zoloft. My mother warned me, before I started taking it, that it had made her pupils behave strangely. I have been taking it since August, and today is the first time I have experienced this. It may be significant that yesterday was the first pill from a new bottle.
So, I have been wearing sunglasses for the last hour. It doesn't help my physiology any, but it seems to reduce the burning sensation I've experienced since waking.
I never liked light, and now I'm secure in my hatred of it.
That is all.
It saddens me to know that my mind, the powerful organ that it is, is still incapable of thinking nothing. When I close my eyes, I wish that I could see true darkness, as though I were blind. When I lay in bed at night, trying to clear my head of the thoughts that keep me awake, I try my hardest to have absolutely no sound in my mental ear; the best I can manage is a low buzz, but a sound is a sound.
But, oh, the bliss of unconsciousness. You don't see, you don't hear; you become completely unaware and completely self-contained for the duration of your slumber. I wake, each morning, into a reasonably (but not completely) darkened room, and I am surrounded by clicks and hums and car horns and ventilation systems. I return to the world of stimulus, and it offends me.
This morning, I walked into the bathroom, turned on the harsh vanity lights, and held my arm up to block out the light. This is nothing unusual. I do this every day; sometimes I hiss as I do it.
The strange thing is that the pain of visual stimulus did not fade with time. I brushed my teeth through a wince, until I noticed my pupils. They were not quite as dialated as they are after seeing the optometrist, but they were certainly larger than they should be; what's more, they refused to change size.
I showered with my eyes closed, drank a few glasses of water, and they were responding by the time I left for class. I have observed them throughout the day, and they seem to fluctuate from being too big, normal, and too small.
My negative social disposition has led me, over the last decade, to take a not-insignificant number of anti-depressants; most recent on that list is Zoloft. My mother warned me, before I started taking it, that it had made her pupils behave strangely. I have been taking it since August, and today is the first time I have experienced this. It may be significant that yesterday was the first pill from a new bottle.
So, I have been wearing sunglasses for the last hour. It doesn't help my physiology any, but it seems to reduce the burning sensation I've experienced since waking.
I never liked light, and now I'm secure in my hatred of it.
That is all.
posted by Alfonzo Debussy | 12:34 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home