Fuck Student Life
Student Life, Washington University's student newspaper, sucks. Awful Useless Bullshit is all they produce. Nothing but a waste of time, a waste of money and a waste of paper (and if you have any familiarity with the way Google works, you'll know what I'm up to here).
I tried to lend a hand. I tried to give them something worth printing, but two and a half weeks of empty promises and
projections have made it obvious that my editorial will never see the light of day.
So I turn to the internet.
"A Swift Solution" by Alfonzo Debussy
Our University is in a sad state of affairs. A brief perusal of any public space will show that Wash U is overpopulated. The student body has outgrown the facilities on-campus, such that any unwilling or unable to wait fifteen minutes in line must go hungry. We are all equal contributors to the University’s population, though some are seemingly more entitled to be here than others; professors and researchers before students, and upperclassmen before underclassmen. Our facilities have only recently become inadequate, and it is the opinion of this author that the source of strain on the University lies in the ranks of the Class of 2010.
As dedicated Student Life readers, surely we all know about “The Freshman Problem”; where WU expected 1,350 incoming students, they received 1,470. The superfluous 120 freshman can be found almost anywhere. Stop by the room that was yours before ResLife moved you to The Village; you’ll find one of the 120. Stand in line in Mallinckrodt; anyone in front of you that you don’t recognize is one of their number. Odds are good that, today, you’ve already broken stride to avoid bumping into one of them. Their presence can be felt in your legs from your long walk to campus, in your stomach from not having time before class to buy a bagel, and in your eyes from the barrage of Res-College T-shirts. Their presence is undeniable, but is it unmanageable?
The clear responsibility of the University is to expand, to provide more housing, classrooms and high-volume eateries. However, these changes are not likely to occur until half of the present undergraduate populated has graduated. So what can the estranged classes of 2007 and 2008 do to manage “The Freshman Problem”?
I have it on the authority of many former Bon Appetit employees that an 18-year-old college student can make as nutritious a meal as most of the food Bon Appetit has to offer. I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that the 120 superfluous freshmen should be reallocated from their courses of study to the courses of a meal. If we were right in determining these 120 as the source of strain, then this solution will relieve the strain two times over.
Let us suppose that each of these 120 weighs, on average, 125 pounds. Let us further suppose that, of those 125 pounds, roughly 95 pounds are edible material. This translates to roughly 11,400 pounds of food (and 120 fewer students around to consume it). The demand Bon Appetit could meet with that sort of surplus is phenomenal; it would take WU students 76 days of Center Court brunch to waste that much food. The boon this would provide to our institution is undeniable.
There are those who might balk at my proposal; I urge those less-progressive students to keep an open mind with regard to these changes. Many adamantly opposed the removal of Taco Bell Express from Mallinckrodt, and those same opposers now readily populate the line at the Asian Station. So, before you reject my proposal on grounds of culinary conservatism, realize that the Buffalo Freshman Wrap might well be your favorite dish next semester.
-Alfonzo
I tried to lend a hand. I tried to give them something worth printing, but two and a half weeks of empty promises and
projections have made it obvious that my editorial will never see the light of day.
So I turn to the internet.
"A Swift Solution" by Alfonzo Debussy
Our University is in a sad state of affairs. A brief perusal of any public space will show that Wash U is overpopulated. The student body has outgrown the facilities on-campus, such that any unwilling or unable to wait fifteen minutes in line must go hungry. We are all equal contributors to the University’s population, though some are seemingly more entitled to be here than others; professors and researchers before students, and upperclassmen before underclassmen. Our facilities have only recently become inadequate, and it is the opinion of this author that the source of strain on the University lies in the ranks of the Class of 2010.
As dedicated Student Life readers, surely we all know about “The Freshman Problem”; where WU expected 1,350 incoming students, they received 1,470. The superfluous 120 freshman can be found almost anywhere. Stop by the room that was yours before ResLife moved you to The Village; you’ll find one of the 120. Stand in line in Mallinckrodt; anyone in front of you that you don’t recognize is one of their number. Odds are good that, today, you’ve already broken stride to avoid bumping into one of them. Their presence can be felt in your legs from your long walk to campus, in your stomach from not having time before class to buy a bagel, and in your eyes from the barrage of Res-College T-shirts. Their presence is undeniable, but is it unmanageable?
The clear responsibility of the University is to expand, to provide more housing, classrooms and high-volume eateries. However, these changes are not likely to occur until half of the present undergraduate populated has graduated. So what can the estranged classes of 2007 and 2008 do to manage “The Freshman Problem”?
I have it on the authority of many former Bon Appetit employees that an 18-year-old college student can make as nutritious a meal as most of the food Bon Appetit has to offer. I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that the 120 superfluous freshmen should be reallocated from their courses of study to the courses of a meal. If we were right in determining these 120 as the source of strain, then this solution will relieve the strain two times over.
Let us suppose that each of these 120 weighs, on average, 125 pounds. Let us further suppose that, of those 125 pounds, roughly 95 pounds are edible material. This translates to roughly 11,400 pounds of food (and 120 fewer students around to consume it). The demand Bon Appetit could meet with that sort of surplus is phenomenal; it would take WU students 76 days of Center Court brunch to waste that much food. The boon this would provide to our institution is undeniable.
There are those who might balk at my proposal; I urge those less-progressive students to keep an open mind with regard to these changes. Many adamantly opposed the removal of Taco Bell Express from Mallinckrodt, and those same opposers now readily populate the line at the Asian Station. So, before you reject my proposal on grounds of culinary conservatism, realize that the Buffalo Freshman Wrap might well be your favorite dish next semester.
-Alfonzo
posted by Alfonzo Debussy | 6:33 PM
2 Comments:
i approve
i blame dan milstein.
no seriously. i have analyzed the flow of information through the forum system and that seems the most likely roadblock.
i know it's pointless to try and convince you otherwise, but don't hate all student life because SOME people suck. the rest of us support eating freshmen.
that was my first time reading it, by the way, and i think it's hilarious. were i senior forum editor, i would run it.
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